Stephanie: So how are the kids doing?
Bridget: Frigid’s a little dumb, I guess she takes after grandma Brooke.
Stephanie: Hey!
Eric: Aren’t you supposed to hate Brooke?
Stephanie: I know, but that was just too mean!
Bridget: Too mean? She slept with two of my husbands.
Eric: You slept with two of her husbands!
Bridget: That’s sooo not the same thing!
Eric: You believe that! So, have you decided on a motto for the wedding? I guess “Keeping it all in the family” is out of the question. We need something a little more subtle. How about “When in Rome - do as the Romans did”?
Stephanie: Don’t listen to your father, Bridget. There’s nothing wrong about marrying a family member: Oedipus did it and look how well that turned out.
Eric: His wife/ mother hung herself and he burnt his eyes out of his skull.
Bridget: Could have gone worse.
Stephanie: At least there was no man-eating slut set on ruining
their very special mother-son relationship. Ahh, those where the days …
Eric: You’re dreaming again, Stephanie!
Stephanie: And can you blame me? Do you think it was fun for me to walk in on you with yet another Logan? I’m having Katie watched, just to be on the safe side.
Eric: Mmmh, Katie? I don’t know. She seems more to
your taste.
Stephanie: Are you suggesting I would ever cheat on Ridge?
Eric: I know for a fact that you have not these last ten years!
the bickering continues in the backgroundBridget:
(shaking her head) Babies, when you marry each other, that’s not what you want your marriage to look like.
enter RidgeRidge: Good news: someone wants to give me a very special present behind the derelict Spectra building at midnight. I’m so excited! I think I will go right now, maybe my secret admirer will be early too. “A very special present for a very special guy”! I’ll just stop by the mirror and tell it all about this!
Bridget: It’s cold outside. Don’t forget to put on one of your signature scarves when you go out!
Ridge: I don’t think that was me with the scarves.
Bridget: If it wasn’t you, it was someone who looks an awful lot like you.
Ridge: There’s no such person! As my mommy constantly assures me, I am 100 percent unique!
Behind the derelict Spectra building. Enter Donna and Jackie from the left, Taylor and Carl from the right. A collision ensues that leaves all four on their asses. They get up again.Taylor & Jackie: What are
you doing here?
Carl: We’re here to abduct Ridge.
Donna: We’re here to kill Ridge.
Jackie:
(sighs) Okay, now that everybody’s
secret plans are out in the open, let’s talk about a compromise. We got Ridge here, you’ve probably only heard about it from Bridget, who definitely should not have told you, but who just can’t help messing things up. We want Ridge dead, you want him alive. So I say let him live, but let’s not tell Eric about it.
Now, everybody hide, I think I can already smell Ridge.
(smells again) Yes, it’s definitely him! Quick!
enter RidgeRidge:
(shouting) The special guy is here, where’s the special present?
Jackie: Look up, Ridge!
the “Shady Marlin” drops on his headTaylor: Hey, you killed him! That’s not fair!
Jackie: So what are you gonna do about it?
Taylor: I’m gonna freak out so bad that your head’s still going to hurt a year from now!
Jackie: Is there no way for us to persuade you not to?
Taylor: I don’t see one.
Jackie: Okay then.
the “Shady Marlin II” drops on Taylor’s headDonna: You had two boats up there?
Jackie: I couldn’t very well risk not hitting Ridge!
Donna: And Nick agreed to this?
Jackie: It was his idea to have a backup!
Donna: And he went through all the trouble of restoring the ship just to give it to you to finish off Ridge with?
Jackie: What worthier cause is there?
Carl: But how are we going to break the news to Bridget?
Donna: It’s going to be ghastly: snot flying about everywhere, ear-piercing “Poor me!”s …
(shudders) Sounds like a job for you, Carl!
Carl: Oh, okay.
At Taylor’s old home. The next morningBridget: I wonder why Ridge never came home last night?
starts reading the newspaper, stumbles over a wedding announcement“Stephanie ‘still’ Forrester ‘ha, ha Donna take that!’ announces the wedding of Ridge Forrester and his
sister bride Bridget Forrester Forrester née Forrester”
It’s today? She could at least have given me a warning. But oh well, so I’ll get married today.
(to the babies) Kids, I’m sorry but there’s not going to be a lesson today.
audible signs of baby reliefWe’ll just have two lessons tomorrow!
audible signs of baby groaning
Knock on the door. Enter CarlCarl: Hi Bridget. I just got an invitation to your wedding. So it’s today?
Bridget: I guess so.
Carl:
(carefully) So, Ridge excited already?
Bridget: I guess so. Oh Carl, Ridge has gone missing! Do you think he abondoned me and the babies?
enter snotHave I been working him too hard? I could have closed the door behind him myself last week. No need to call him back and make him do it. Boooohooooo! Oh what will I doooo without him?
Carl:
(visibly distraught) Don’t worry, Bridget, I’m sure he will be back in time for the wedding
(aside) or he won’t. Much more likely, really!
At the Forrester mansion. A broom closet. Thorne, Felicia and Thomas cooped up insideFelicia: Oh yay, it’s a wedding day! We’re going to be let out today!
Thomas: I can’t even remember the last time I saw the sunlight.
Felicia: Do you remember that last trial that we all went to together?
(enraptured) Oh what an outing that was!
Thorne: Stop complaining, you two! There’s so much more room in here since Ann & Pam were shipped off to Chicago again! Now we can almost move.
Felicia: I liked Pam. She and dad would have made an amazing couple.
Thomas: Shhhhhhh! Don’t let
them hear you say something like that. Outside, your part is still the one of the unreasonable shrew who defends her 70-year-old parents’ irretrievably broken marriage.
Felicia: Don’t worry, I won’t forget it!
the sound of a key turningThomas: Ahhh, free at last!
The Forrester mansion. The garden. A crowd is gathered. A questionable priest of the kind of denomination that is not bothered by the fact that the groom has been married fifteen times alreadyQuestionable priest: Family, family, we are gathered here today…
Bridget: Wait, Ridge isn’t here yet!
QP: Well, in Ridge’s own, immortal words, he “knows the drill”! … to join Ridge and Bridget in
(clears his throat) … holy ma…
enter TaylorTaylor: Hold it!
Jackie: Taylor! You’re back! But that would have been so poetic: you being crushed by the “Shady Marlin II”!
Taylor: “Poetic” doesn’t kill an experienced survivor like me.
Donna: But how did you … how did you survive?
Taylor: I happened to be standing right under the funnel when the stupid ship came down.
Jackie: But how did you get out? Weren’t you stuck, with your, with your … you know?
Taylor:
(with a proud look on her face) I wailed till the metal burst, of course!
(to Bridget) Bridget, honey, Ridge is dead!
Stephanie: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Eric: Oh well!
Jackie: You’re not sad?
Eric: No.
Jackie: Not even a little bit?
Eric: Why should I? The freak was about to marry his own sister! Can you think of anything ickier than that?
Jackie: Oh, I can. It won’t seem icky at all compared to the mess that you’ll be after Donna and I are through with you
Donna approaches Eric, carrying the wedding cake and a carving knife. Faint, helpless screams are heard in the background during the entire Bridget-Carl conversationBridget: What am I going to do now? I can’t bring up the twins on my own. I so depended on Ridge’s input. He was going to help me teach the kids how to resuscitate someone. We were going to use Taylor as a dummy…
(starts crying again)Carl: You don’t need Ridge to help you. You have me!
Bridget: Oh Carl, really?
Carl:
(smiling) Yes, Bridget. I will be there for you. Together we are going to give Rigid and Frigid the most wonderful childhood imaginable. They don’t have to know how to take a person’s temperature. They’re babies. All they have to do is be happy!
Bridget: Oh, you think so, Carl?
Carl: Yes, sweetie!
Bridget: Oh well then …
she puts on her pair of geeky glasses and they kiss- The End -